The other day I was at Walgreens picking up a prescription, when I wandered over to the card section. This is my favorite way to waste time at a drugstore…funny, but true! There is just something about all the funny and sentimental ways you can share how you feel about someone and reading the stacks of cards in those aisles always uplifts my soul and fills me with birthday cheer, gratitude, and well wishes. Typically, I enjoy the feelings these words offer me and leave the cards on the shelves and my money in my pocket. However, to my surprise I had collected an impressive stack of Valentine’s cards, twelve to be exact. This was odd for two reasons: First, I typically would only buy a Valentine’s card for my husband, who is the love of my life, but for some reason I had a stack of cards all of which in their own unique way expressed the way I loved many people in my life from my husband (who, have I mentioned is the love of my life??) my daughter, my dad, my brother, my grandfather, my aunt, my cousins, friends, and so on. Second, (for anyone that knows me will chuckle a bit), Valentine’s was still over a month away and, despite being an organized person, I am not one to plan to far in advance.
Well, I tucked this smidge of odd behavior into the back pocket of my jeans and got in line straightway. Surely one splurge doesn’t amount to much of anything at all. However, over the next couple days, I found myself picking up things in stores that I thought the people in my life would enjoy. As these gifts began to gather around and about my house, I couldn’t help but notice the trend. Despite their obvious presence, for the life of me I didn’t yet know how it was that they had found their way into my home. Sure, each item brought to mind someone who I dearly love, but why wasn’t I pausing, smiling warm familiar thoughts, and then leaving the items safely tucked inside the store – like I usually do?!
I didn’t know why –until I sat down to write a message on the inside of the card I had purchased for my brother.
Brandon-
Now that mom is gone, I am finding myself wishing I had more of her life hanging around the house. So this year, I’ve purposed to leave bits and pieces of me in the bookshelves, closets, and even junk drawers of people I love. Maybe I hope to be better missed when it’s my turn to die. Or maybe I just figure people should know a little more of how I feel, and think, about them. But, one thing is certain; I never want you to wonder what you mean to me. You are my little brother and I love you, will still protect you (even if you are bigger than I am now) and I will always be here for you!!!
Love Always, 
Sissy (Something my brother has always called me…I sometimes wondered if he actually thought this was my name).
Well, there you have it. Turns out, I am collecting goodies to give to people I love because I want a piece of me to linger in their lives. Wow. I guess it’s kind of a grief thing, if you want to look at it that way.
But I don’t think it’s a bad thing, I think, it’s a good thing. I mean, I don’t care if my friends and family toss the cards in junk drawers or put the gifts on the top shelves of their closets or bottom shelf of their book cases. What matters is that they know without a doubt, even when I’m gone, that they were truly important to me. Every time they see those little things I gave them, they will remember that I loved them, and thought of them often.
Keeping this story in mind, I would like to say, that maybe Valentine’s Day could be turned into a good grief day. A day to celebrate the love you feel for those people that are still alive and a part of your life. Use it to cherish the memories of those that have passed on, but also use it to create new memories for people in your life….ones that they can cherish when you have passed on. Spread a little bit of you and your life around and let those dearest to you know what they mean to you.

The Holding Cross

There has always been something about crosses that soothes my soul. I have many pictures of them and a dear friend built one for me out of the wood taken from the home in which he was born. It’s beautiful and I look at it each morning. I had never had a cross that I could hold in my hands.
Tera Barnwell, one of the Nurses from my office, found a website that sold small crosses. The idea for the “holding cross” came from a Hospice Nurse in Texas. Her husband happened to be a carpenter. She gave them as gifts to her patients. The crosses were designed to fit perfectly in any hand. Tera bought one for each employee at the Cherokee County office. The day I got mine, I was on my way to make a visit with a patient. Jimmy was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease only a few months after he retired. He was a Christian man but God’s timing for his life had shaken his faith to its core. He dreamed of retiring and spending summer days at the lake fishing with his grandson. Instead, he had lost the use of both legs. As time passed, he started to slowly lose the use of his hands. His wife told me with tears in her eyes that he had stopped reading his Bible.
I sat in my car with my present from Tera in my hand, touching the smoothness of the wood, examining the way the wood looked, knowing that no two would ever be alike. And I prayed and thanked Jesus for what that small cross symbolized. And again, I felt warm, loved and special. I remembered what Jesus had done for ME.
I wondered if this cross would give Jimmy the same comfort that it gave me. I took it in and gave it to him. He looked at it and then put it on a table beside his bed where it sat for weeks. My cherished cross slowly gathered dust.
Jimmy’s condition worsened and as his body failed him over and over, his wife prayed for a miracle. We all did. I believe we received a miracle but not in the way we expected.
I came to visit one day and Jimmy was asleep. Just below his hand was his
“holding cross.” It looked as if it had slid out of his hand as he slept. Trying not to cry, I started to put the cross back in his hand. When I turned his hand over I saw something so beautiful. The imprint of the cross was on his hand. He must have been holding it so tightly. His wife and I stood in silence, knowing that he had found comfort.
Jimmy never regained consciousness. He had his cross in his hand when he passed away.
I woke up one morning not long ago and my second “holding cross” was on the floor. It had slipped from my hand as I slept. When I looked at my hand, there was the imprint of my cross. I thought of Jimmy and smiled.
I thank God for what the cross means, for how it calms and reassures me when life isn’t going the way I expected. Everything is done in God’s timing, not ours. Who better to hold our tomorrows than the one who loves us the most and first believed in us?

-Lisa Jolly

Every day we learn from those we care for, we somehow change because of these experiences. Our patients are more than just people we provide services to. They become our friends, our teachers, and our heroes. From time to time we hope to share their stories and honor their memory to show how they made us better caregivers.

Mr. Valentine

I have been sitting at my computer staring at a blank screen trying to find the words to share a story with you. It usually comes easily. I just open my heart and it pours out. Not this time.

It has been over a year since Nathaniel passed away. I can still hear him saying “nobody will miss me when I’m gone.” He was so wrong. Nathaniel Valentine. I loved saying his name. He hated it. He said I could call him “Nate,” I asked if I could call him Nathaniel. With a smile on his face, he said “whatever.” If you go only by first impressions, Nathaniel didn’t make a very good one. He knew it but he didn’t seem to care. He could be rude, angry, and at times demanding. He pushed me to see if I’d come back. I had Nathaniel figured out in about ten minutes. What he didn’t know was that I liked a challenge.

He said I needed to visit him before lunch each day. No particular reason that he could give me, he just said it and thought it would be done. I explained to him that it would be after lunch. Just as I thought, he didn’t care. He just smiled and said “whatever.”
Nathaniel was a very handsome young man with dark brown skin, deep soulful eyes and a soft, calming voice.

And Nathaniel had cancer throughout his body.

During his first week on Hospice, I climbed the 25 steps to his apartment in 100 degree heat only to have him yell through the door, “I’ve already had a bath.” I let him get by with that for two days. On day three, I asked him if I could just come in and rest. I knew there was a gentleman inside him somewhere when he opened the door and let me in. Nathaniel’s apartment was sparsely furnished but very neat and clean. He was watching Westerns on television. He asked if I’d ever met a black man who liked Westerns. I told him “rarely.” He seemed to like that. It made him different. We had wonderful conversations about “everything.” He couldn’t swim, loved seafood, could re-build a car engine and loved the Clemson Tigers. He told me that he’d been saved as a young boy and baptized in a river. We laughed about that because he was so afraid of water. He said the Preacher dropped him and he almost drowned in ankle deep water. I never found out if that was true but I doubt it. I would later find out that Nathaniel’s biggest fear wasn’t death. His biggest fear was being forgotten.

Nathaniel’s health was declining rapidly. He became much more at ease talking to me and letting me help him. The majority of his family lived out of town. He had a brother in town that helped out when he could. Nathaniel’s condition worsened as fast as I’d ever witnessed. It was still a shock when the Nurse called and said that she needed help with crisis care. When I got there at midnight, Nathaniel’s brother was there and his sister had just gotten there from Columbia. Nathaniel was un-responsive. As I sat there that night and watched Nathaniel, I noticed again how young he looked. He was only a few years older than me. Hour after hour, there was no change.

I could still here him saying “nobody will miss me when I’m gone.” He was so wrong. I missed him already. Just before the sun started to rise, Nathaniel’s sister sat beside his bed and started to read the Bible to him. At first, there was no response. As she continued to read, Nathaniel raised his eyebrows. Seeing this, his sister looked at me to see if I had seen it. As she read, she would stop to say “you will have to take that last step by yourself baby brother, God will meet you.” And then, something happened I’d never seen. After hours of his body barely moving,
Nathaniel’s feet moved. I got up and went to his bed and touched his hand. Nathaniel’s feet moved once more. It looked as if he was walking. Nathaniel took two final steps, took one more breath and walked straight into Heaven. It’s safe to say, I will never forget him.

f you have a story about how your life has been shaped by someone you cared for, tell us about it. We would love to share in the memory of someone dear to your heart.

Losing someone close to you is a very painful experience. With the holidays almost upon us the special days ahead can intensify that pain. Planning a remembrance or ritual to celebrate your loved one’s life can ease the sorrow of these challenging times and help preserve memories of the affection you shared.

Though the holidays can be particularly difficult for those left behind, it may also offer a unique opportunity to honor your loved one. Placing a special ornament on the tree, setting out a cherished decoration or serving a favorite holiday meal can evoke fond memories. Friends and family may wish to share notes of remembrance, placed in a stocking put up for your loved one. A candle might be lit in their memory, or perhaps a toast or prayer can be offered in tribute before a meal. Money that would have been spent on a gift could be donated in your loved one’s name to their favorite charity, homeless or animal shelter, or a needy family.

Though your loved one’s presence will be missed and the holidays will not feel the same, the holidays can be a great time to remember them. Friends and family may come together to share stories and cherished memories, such as the way they laughed or their favorite quotes. Sharing these recollections with younger friends and family members is a wonderful way to honor your loved one, who may have passed before the children were old enough to know them. By gathering old photos, you can make a mosaic or a memory album of the times you spent together. Create a calendar from pictures or drawings with poems written to or about them, or simply write a letter to express your feelings.

Crafts offer many unique opportunities to remember those close to you who have passed. You might make a quilt from their favorite clothes, inscribe their name on a piece of jewelry, or compile treasured possessions and photos into a scrapbook that will be cherished for years to come. A wonderful way to remember a loved one who enjoyed cooking might be to create a memory cookbook. These favorite recipes can recapture loving memories of family dinners, picnics and holiday meals, especially if you include photos and captions with them.

A living memorial can serve as a permanent, life-affirming remembrance in honor of your loved one. Planting a tree or creating a garden of their favorite flowers provides a loving reminder with each spring’s blossoms, and you could offer seed packets to mourners at the memorial service to plant in their honor.

Celebrating and honoring the memory of your loved one is an important part of coming to terms with your own grief and healing from your loss. As you make plans for these remembrances, be aware that we all respond to grief in our own way and have our own methods of coping. Talk with your family and friends about how you want to remember and honor your loved one. During your grieving process, understand that you may continue to feel sad, angry or lonely for a long time, but you will also gradually experience increased periods of joy and happiness as you begin to heal. These are all normal emotions, and feeling happy doesn’t disrespect your loved one’s memory, it simply reflects your progression from mourning to a celebration of the life you shared.

Our Center of Compassionate Care is here to offer a path to healing. We can help you through your grieving process in a way that is best for you so that through acceptance you can regain hope and continue along your journey of life. We’ll help you find a way to reconnect to life during the holidays or at anytime you may need us.

As a caregiver, you may have experienced several emotions throughout your journey. Sadness, frustration, resentment, anger, you may feel as though you are prepared to handle all of them, but you may have overlooked guilt. Guilt is a common emotion, though it may come up suddenly and unexpectedly for many caregivers.

Caregiver’s guilt may stem from the fact that you have this ideal standard about the level of care that you should be providing. When the juggling act of family life competes with your loved one’s need for care, you may have to make “either or” decisions. In your rational mind, you understand that you cannot be in two places at once, but in your ideal mind, you should have been in both places. The mismatch between your rational and irrational mind can cause feelings of guilt for many caregivers.

Caregiver’s may also notice that guilt can stem from past actions. Though hindsight is 20/20, it’s important to realize that we aren’t perfect and past mistakes or missteps should not be something to beat oneself up about. We all say things we regret to those we love, we all wished we’d spent more time with others, and when caring for someone we wish we were super human. But realize all the things you’ve done right and all the love, care and time you have given.

When those feelings of guilt do occur, here are some steps that may help:

• Identify any feelings that may be causing guilt. Often there are underlying feelings that are buried beneath guilt. Once you assess them and reflect upon them you may find that you have a new perspective with which to view your feelings.

• Do not neglect yourself. When you realize that you are just as important as your loved one, consider that your ability to care is directly connected to your own well-being. If you are tired, stressed or pushing yourself too hard, how can you expect to deliver the standard of care that you wish to?

• Prioritize your needs and wants. If you need to go for a walk instead of sitting with your loved one while they watch TV, it’s time to go for a walk. When you organize and make choices about which things come first, it’s easier to think objectively and manage guilt that may accompany tough choices.

• Look to your friends and loved ones for support. Call a family meeting and see if you can delegate a few responsibilities. This way the whole family is involved and can be leaned on for assistance. If you don’t feel comfortable having a friend care for your loved one, simply ask them to cook a meal or drop the kids off at school.

• Realize that perfection and the ideal situation do not exist. Things are not going to go your way all the time and you won’t be able to save the day every day. Part of being the best that you can be requires an understanding of your own imperfection and the fact that life is an unpredictable journey.

By keeping these tips in mind, hopefully you will begin to notice that grief is a natural and manageable emotion that accompanies caregiving. By paying attention to, and caring for yourself, you increase and improve your ability to care for others. Remember that caring for someone is an incredible act of love and compassion, so be proud of the role you are playing.

As the day we put aside to be thankful approaches it evokes countless thoughts, emotions and memories for the vast majority of our population. With 28 million veterans alive today, chances are that you know someone who has made a sacrifice in the name of their country, someone who deserves our “Thanks”. Whether that sacrifice was their time, their tears, or their lives it’s important to reflect on the reasoning behind their bravery and what that bravery gave every American.

When this holiday comes around, as it does each November, many have thoughts on what they would like to say, but feel that “Thank You” is not enough. Perhaps these quotes from the great thinkers and leaders of our time can help to inspire or increase the spirit of this special day.

“My heroes are those who risk their lives every day to protect our world and make it a better place–police, firefighters, and members of our armed forces.”
- Sidney Sheldon

“A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself. ”
- Joseph Campbell

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”
- John F. Kennedy

“America’s veterans deserve the very best health care because they’ve earned it.”
- Jim Ramstad

“From the world wars of Europe to the jungles of the Far East, from the deserts of the Middle East to the African continent, and even here in our own hemisphere, our veterans have made the world a better place and America the great country we are today.”
- John Hoeven

“They fell, but o’er their glorious grave floats free the banner of the cause they died to save.”
-Francis Marion Crawford

“We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.”
-Cynthia Ozick

“The patriot’s blood is the seed of Freedom’s tree.”
-Thomas Campbell

“The willingness of America’s veterans to sacrifice for our country has earned them our lasting gratitude.”
- Jeff Miller

“Valor is stability, not of legs and arms, but of courage and the soul.”
-Michel de Montaigne

Though words can be very powerful, simply letting someone know you care or even a genuine smile can be a great way to show your gratitude. Giving thanks doesn’t have to come in the form of a pleasant saying. It can come from a nice gesture, a small gift or even a donation in someone’s name. Whichever way you choose to celebrate and show your gratitude we hope you have a happy heartfelt Thanksgiving.

Hospice Care of South Carolina has partnered with the Department of Veterans Affairs and adopted We Honor Veterans. As hospice providers, we are working to meet the needs of this heroic population. By reaching out to our veteran population and by understanding and recognizing their unique needs, we are learning how to serve Veterans through the challenges they may be facing from illness, isolation or traumatic life experience. Our goal is to ensure our Veterans and their families receive the profound benefit of hospice, hospice tailored to their unique needs and gain a peaceful and enriched end of life experience.

In recognition of National Hospice and Palliative Care Month this November, we would like to take a look back to the origins of the modern hospice movement and the visionary who started a revolution in care. Hospice and Palliative care have significantly improved the quality of care for millions of people around the world and owe their successes in a large part to one woman. This year marks the 10th anniversary in which Cicely Saunders won the Conrad N. Hilton Humanitarian Award, given to her for her remarkable work in starting the modern hospice movement. The award carried a one million dollar gift, which went to St. Chrisopher’s Hospice (the hospice which Saunders founded). Though it seems like something we could never live without, the modern hospice institution has only been around for 54 years. If it were not for Dame Cicely Saunders, hospice as we know it might not exist today.
Mrs. Saunders, born in 1919, was not always interested in caring for the dying. During her college years, she studied politics and economics though it was not until she met David Tasma that she realized her true calling. Tasma, a Jewish refugee, had escaped from a Warsaw ghetto during the Holocaust. They fell in love shortly before he died of cancer, but left her £500 to be “a window in your home” after his passing. This act helped to stimulate the idea in Saunders mind that there was a need for hospice care in the world. In 1958, a year after receiving her physician’s degree, she began working for St. Joseph’s Hospice of Hackney, a place she would continue to work for 7 years. Throughout those years, Saunders had two more relationships with terminally ill patients. Because of these devastating losses, which also coincided with her father’s death, Saunders decided to incorporate family support as part of her new program. “I felt I had the right to say to families that I understood how they were feeling”, said Saunders.
Finally, in 1967, Saunders had the money and experience to open a hospice of her own. She named it St. Christopher’s Hospice, which she herself described as “a hospital and a home.” Throughout her long life (87 years) and career, Cicely Saunders earned several significant awards. Some of these include:
• 1979-Promoted to Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire
• 1981-Awarded the Templeton Prize (the world’s richest annual prize awarded to an individual)
• 1989-Appointed to the Order of Merit by Queen Elizabeth II
• 2001-Received the Conrad N. Hilton Humanitarian Prize, (1 million dollars for St. Christopher’s
Dame Cicely Saunders continued to run St. Christopher’s until shortly before her death in July of 2005. She was tireless in her efforts to bring comfort to those who were dying and to provide support for their family and friends. “I didn’t set out to change the world; I set out to do something about pain,” she said. “It wasn’t long before I realized that pain was not only physical, but it was psychological and spiritual… Hospice has spread because it taps into family values and offers a simple, basic way of dealing with pain and other symptoms.” Interestingly enough, Cicely Saunders passed away in the very hospice that she founded.
With National Hospice and Palliative Care Month just around the corner, let’s take the time to reflect and remember a legend whose humble beginnings and tireless effort transformed the way we think about hospice and palliative care. Like Mrs. Saunders, we didn’t invent hospice. We simply realize that there is a need for comprehensive care and work to provide care for those who need it the most.

Even though we know that bereavement takes time and that everyone grieves in his or her own way and at their own pace, we are pressured to be brief with grief.  The expectation may be overt, subtle or unconscious — “Aren’t they over it by now?”  Here are five reasons that our society supposes grief needs to be short-term. 

First, we want life to be filled with pleasure and satisfaction, not sadness and discomfort. When someone is grieving it makes others uncomfortable. So they rush them to “get over it” so they can feel better themselves.

We also want to be in control of our lives and therefore would rather not dwell on things we are helpless to change. The reality is that we are helpless to change many things in our lives. Grief is just one that is particularly difficult to endure.

Another reason is that we prize winning but degrade losing.  So sympathy for others can quickly become judgment if, in our opinion, someone is choosing the victim role. 

In the fourth place, we are very busy: work hard, support families, pay mortgages.  The existential questions, theological reflections and personal introspection just have to wait until we get around to them.  But delayed grief is not erased grief. 

Finally, we focus on the now and the future and not the past and certainly not on the painful past.  And so we accept the same grief counseling that Shakespeare’s bereaved Hamlet got from his uncle Claudius, the suppositious King of Denmark: “This must be so.  We pray you throw to earth this unprevailing woe.” 

When you love much you grieve much. So take the time you need to reflect, process and fully experience your grief. Don’t let others force you to be “brief with grief.”